TBI from MVA in 2004 or AWAKENING?

by Marnie
(Vancouver BC Canada)

I woke up and saw through Kaleidoscope eyes with quadruple vision, no memories of who I was just basic understanding , zero concept of time (I figure because time is man made and doesn't exist) and when I saw myself in the mirror was overwhelmed by my beauty even though I knew that I before the accident I saw myself as ugly and fat when I looked in the mirror but was shocked at how wrong my perceptions were.

I found out about 5-7 years later that I began to realized I had amnesia for a large part of my life, I was 34 but thought I was 19 and had insane amounts of energy coursing through my veins. I couldn't believe anything that I was seeing because I knew adjusting to viewing life through a Kaleidoscope wasn't reality so I felt everything with my hands. I believe this was the beginning of separating mind from body.

It took 8 years before I had enough operations to fix my eyes and see single. When I did see single again it took another year to comprehend the images. Vertigo (I used to fall down every time I closed my eyes) Ringing in my ears like everything around me was going in slow motion but I was speeding up. I became so sensitive to others emotions I had a complete breakdown walking into Metro-town Mall at Christmas time. It was like every single persons anxieties were amplified and crushing down on me.

I was able to tell things about others I couldn't possibly have known (example fight with boyfriend , abused as a child, feelings of worthlessness, excitement about a baby, wedding etc) I have had the misfortune to have over 30 friends and family die in the last 10 years and everyone save one has come to me when they pass over. Unfortunately one of those friends was murdered with a gunshot to the heart and he came screaming in total fear.

I don't know why this is happening but I know it is and that it is getting really strong. I had a short term memory of about a half second. I knew I was really smart before the accident and now I couldn't even tell when to eat sleep or put on makeup , get dressed , (It took 2 hours to make coffee for the first time) (6 hours to have a shower and get dressed) Time meant nothing to me.

My daughter was 4 at the time and I was unable to comprehend she was only 4 , I saw her as older than I was for some reason and wiser. I saw she was an old soul (in fact my grandmother who died when I was 9) I couldn't understand why I didn't see her anymore because she used to come to me almost daily but I hadn't seen her in a long long time, finally it was shown to me that I hadn't seen her since Morgan was born because she chose to come back as my daughter .

My old memories were intact in fact in all the memory games I played trying to remember something of my recent past I opened up all of my past memories like they were yesterday and I'd had a photographic memory before the MVA so when I began working on my brain I was unable to handle the OLD memories it was like they happened yesterday and I would re-live them (ex. my mother beating me and locking me in my room- in those days post par tum wasn't a "term" )

I was hurt I would yell at my mom and she was baffled and confused that I would even say these things, she'd say the car accident really caused a lot of brain damage and that I made these things up> I got violent, I behaved like a 16 year old boy, quick to hit, quick to anger, sexually dominant and overpowering, and Strong!!

Turned out that my boyfriend of 15 years had left me at the altar just before the accident and even though I didn't remember him emotionally I was incensed to discover he'd moved in with another woman.I was going to use battery acid and scar up her face so that every time he looked at her he would know what he had done to me....... Thank god I couldn't formulate a plan and follow a sequence .(thats what they say was damaged sequencing)

Had I been able to figure out how to find her I'd be in jail right now. My rage did subside though after I'd met a man who was the complete opposite of my ex. I kept telling him I wasn't interested but he wouldn't take no for an answer, very persistent

I believe that if it weren't for the TBI that I wouldn't have been able to transcend because with all the hangups and self hating I'd done for those 34 years I'd never have worked through all the emotional trauma's of my life and would have been completely stuck behind a wall (working 12 hours a day 7 days a week) I was forced to know my child even though the only contact I had was hiring the best daycare nanny I could have possibly found and a couple times a week I would pick her up from there kicking and screaming not wanting to come home with mommy. I had to trick her to get her out of there.

Now I had no money I knew I was slow and slurred my words had no facial recognition couldn't do a simple task when I knew I once excelled at multi-tasking , ( I was a car salesman at the time of the accident and had just recently changed careers from setting up business offices for sub prime finance at car dealerships. Now I had a hard time putting gas in my car or remembering to look before crossing a street and putting oven mitts on before taking something hot out of the oven(that one took a long time to learn) but on the bright side I had NO Fear and I was gorgeous.

I went from a size 8 to a size 1 in 6 weeks (forgot to eat) I wore high heels 5 inch and hooker nails on my fingers. Some nurse at the hospital thought I was drunk when the MVA happened because I slurred my words because of that I spent the next 4 yrs untreated except for my eyes. My daughter was home with me after the accident and I fell asleep for 14 hours straight. She jumped on me couldn't wake me thought I was dead didn't know how to use the phone yet and was traumatized by this . UNDERSTANDABLY! . . I wrote the date Dec 3,2004 for the next 5 years straight.

I can leave my body and can go anywhere, I know there are bad things that I sense are around me at times, shadows, I know that I remember what I'd forgotten all those years ago only to forget again with the next thought. I can only live in the now ,when I do remember things now its like re-living the experience all over again. I learned how to train my memory by using Sudoku , I was watching Dr Akin Change your Brain Change your Life so I learned Sudoku, first puzzle took 6 weeks and I never did finish, then something clicked and I could do a five star in a minute until I stopped and tried to figure out how I knew where to put the numbers, that setback made me have to start all over again but six weeks later no problem.

I knew the rubix cube as a child but took months relearning it as an adult and as long as I did it every day I remembered but miss it for two or three days and I had to start all over.

Symptoms in the last 3 months really increasing ringing ears(slow motion/fast motion) vertigo, pain shoulder blades, body changed shape overnight, sharp pain in my head behind ears. skin marks three circles in the shape of a triangle on forearm that looks like someone burned with a cigarette, on the other arm a huge triangle patch of skin that blistered one day and won't heal. At certain times of the day the sores itch really bad, feel huge overwhelming anxiety and lose it like drive 130 mph down the street popping u turns and completely irrational.

Either can't sleep or sleep too much, vivid dreams about a car accident with a fire truck and dying and remembering dying, I jumped up and screamed, falling asleep and being paralyzed so I can't scream or move, stroke like symptoms, tongue goes right, falling down a lot, tried to bike ride and went into heart failure, bradychardia hr 240 drops to 30 always irregular. Blood pressure 240/200 drops to 50/40

I'm told that is impossible but yet the machines at the gym are calibrated and so are the ones at shoppers drug mart so now what?
Its been 11 years since my accident so I no longer produce testosterone and my body hurts a lot now. I miss the rages and feeling invincible.
I keep having strange ideas that everyone is beginning to WakeUp!! I hope soooo but I'm off on the times and its getting me into some trouble, I figured the World Banking System should have collapsed by now and I was wrong on when so I am struggling financially. My ex owes $75000 in back child support which I will finally get because I sued his mothers estate for his inheritance but that will take until at least March of 2016
and I don't believe we have that long