There is no meaning in living or dying

by Ela
(Bosnia)

Since I was 12 years old, I was trying to imagine what is one big nothing? Why I do exist and why life exists as we know it.

I was getting into deep meditation, my brain would freeze and I would feel light and without memory.
I was born as late child, with red hair, very bright skin and great sense for pain, cold, warm and never really like human touch. I was having true friends in my head, but not in my true earth life. I was always feeling disconnected and never really understood our human behavior, aggressiveness, drinking, drugs, sex is overrated, everything seemed to falls out of normal balance or better it was away too much about materialistic experience which made feel sick and shy for most part.

I had very strange relationship with my mother, tried to help, but she was depressed and not always loving mother, very much different what I expected from parent to be.

I have a brother and we have very little in common, actually I am afraid to talk aloud how I feel about humans, life, religion...

Speaking of religion I have problem with this since war started in Bosnia...Muslim, Orthodox, Catholics, never really understood the true meaning of believing in those books, as I always believed how can God write something and never appear among humans...or used humans to write and he/she never showed up...just never get this one...

Now as almost 40 I look younger, feel healthy, but very empty emotionally...never met someone as we call our soul mate, I am not ugly, but not attractive to man either...it seems like I am not what they expect from woman. I also feel presence of man and woman in this body, but speaking of sexual orientation I would be heterosexual.

Now I can hear sounds in my ears, feeling out of space, not too much into food, love to drink lemon juice, eat fruits, I just feel hungry for most part but do not like to eat what we have in our stores...

Few years ago I had a dreams about earthquakes, floods, death....it stopped now...I do not dream, I am struggling to find job, purpose in my life...I feel disconnected...also I have a big problem with my skin, cannot stay too long on the sun, sea it is just too salty for my skin, and have this rash that comes out time to time and goes away..

Comments for There is no meaning in living or dying

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Welcome Ela :)
by: Shelsey

Hi Ela
I'm so glad you arrived here with us :) When I arrived here a few months ago I was lonely and empty. Even though I am an only child and naturally a loner by nature I was starting to 'feel' lonely and depressed. I was lead to this site as you were and I have finally come out of the mystic, lonely, searching for something closet. You remind me a lot of myself. It is not a coincidence that you showed up here, your inner spirit knew exactly where you needed to be and most importantly having a like minded social community that you can be yourself, share and learn (and cry too!!). I invite you to connect with me on fb under the name cinnyme. I use that page to share and note my experiences, vent etc. Its great therapy! I see you have met Anna. She is a fabulous person, sweet and very wise. I'm am eternally grateful to her for putting this site together. If I hadn't found her and this site I'm not sure what condition I would be in right now. I was a mess when I arrived but now my healing has begun and my strength has increased. I see the same for you too Ela. You can read about my dna ascension under the name Shelsey Pseudo. You will find out you are actually one of the lucky ones..lol. If you want to call it that. I wish you all the best in learning about YOU and the great abilities YOU harness inside. Inward, outward..they will soon start to show themselves to you, prepare for a great ride!
Thank you Anna
by: Ela

I feel that would be great to talk about all this with people and do not feel strange about it, but I am living in very traditional society and I would be probably marked as strange, weird, outcast....

But there is something that makes me alive - animals :)
I love to touch animals, like dogs, cats, and I have special very special admiration for horses...
Also I find dolphins very very gentle and sensitive beings and we are blessed to be around those creatures. They make that balance, our connection with a life, just simple life without questioning why, where, what for...just respect the life.
I hope before I die I will smile on my last day, that I left something small but good enough for someone to remember and to help humanity to see death as liberation and freedom from all kinds of forms. To help to remember our origins and our travel toward the truth and our final liberation from all incarnations.
It was great and hard to experience life on earth, to feel light and dark, to feel pain and happiness, to feel hungry and full, to feel hugged and loved, and to know how hurts when someone does not want you anymore. I am so done with all that and I am ready to leave this plain of life and become atom in vastness of space until that space expands and close itself to another dimension.
Your Atonement with Infinite Source
by: Anna

Hi Ela, thanks so much for sharing your experiences. You sound like you have been connected to infinite spirit for a long time.

Many things you express are similar to what many of us go through. Because of your advanced insightful wisdom, as many of us have experienced too, that it's a challenge to fit into social consciousness society when we become to know so much about the nature of reality. It sounds as you have naturally always had an infinite connection.

That's also the reason that many of the cultures and conditionings is so out of spiritual alignment with the truths as we know it compared to all the violence and negativity of the world. It's just does not fit in or resonate with us.

Not eating much is also a great sign of infinite connection too. I have been going through that for awhile myself. It does seem the more we are filled with higher consciousness, the less of a need for food to fill us. So it becomes the less we eat the better we feel, the healthier we are and with more energy we have too.

I think that once you connected with similar individuals, like in this website of people who come upon it, their energy lingers, making all of us feel and resonate with each other. Like an energetic family that really understands what each other is going through.

Your sensing of feeling male and female in your body is also a great sign of advancement. As that's part of merging the dual energies into a unified one being. Yet still having the conscious option you are choosing of heterosexual. That you are healthy of course too is a advanced sign of spiritual development along with looking young too.

I know when you do come across another in a relationship, it will be worth the wait. Because the two of you will connect in similarities in love that will also open your emotional parts that feel empty now, will open up and blossom when you feel that safeness with one another.

It also sounds like you may be empty in emotion with humans because of the no similarities. What you feel more deeply is probably your connection with infinite beings that you feel similar and open with, compared to not similar human beings presently.

I think the dreams you had in the past could of been a time line of possible predictions that have changed as more people are rising in higher consciousness. Especially as you expand in consciousness, and why the dreams have stopped.

I feel that you may be on the edge of new discoveries about your meaning of life and death soon. I am so glad you connected with us. I know there's lots of exciting new experiences on the horizons for us all as we continue on this enlightening path.
Cheers, love and blessings,
Anna

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